Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
His voice enveloped me, and I became
Myself again--I heard it in the song:
A mordent on a note he held too long;
A stutter in his voice. I heard my name
In these and felt a happiness the same
As when I saw him first. Oh, I had longed
To hear him sing again, but this last song--
It was so beautiful. And it remains
The best of human works, though none shall hear
Its sorrowed notes; the lyre's meand'ring tune
Through vast arpeggios and Death's expanse
Except the dead. It will not disappear
'Till all the world's destroyed, and hell's exhumed--
Such music must be worth a backwards glance.
A sonnet! This is a companion piece to my Orpheus Sonnet, from the prospective of his wife, Eurydice.
OrpheusDarkness encompassed me; high-vaulting fire
Leapt and burnt the vision from my gaze
But though I could not see, I strummed my lyre
Until the music swept away the haze
And I could stumble onwards through the mire.
Now I strum no more. What use are lays?
Save to remind me of my lost desire
That I betrayed--let silence fill my days!
For I, whose song once moved the gods to weep
No longer can make melodies from woe--
No dissonance expresses pain so deep
And no music can be as beautiful

As that which I have lost. Let others come
And fill the void with noise--I will not strum.


It is written in petrarchan sonnet form, and was a bit of a struggle. I had a difficult time getting all the ideas I had about how she would respond into the poem--that's why sonnets are so challenging (and fun)!

Anyway, some questions:
Any awkward meter/rhyme/punctuation/grammar?
How did you like the turn? Too obvious?
What about the last line? I originally had "I know this must be worth a backwards glance." Which do you prefer?
Your opinions on the Eurydice presented here?
How does this fit with Orpheus sonnet, if you care to read that one as well?

And other comments/critiques/feedback are always welcome. :)

Thank you again!

(for twr: [link])
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-02-04
Eurydice by ~williamszm Suggester Writes: In this haunting sonnet, the author brings a tragic heroine to vivid life ( Suggested by LadyofGaerdon and Featured by BeccaJS )
:iconcelestialmemories:
I will answer your questions first and then give a complete summary of my opinion on the poem.

Any awkward meter/rhyme/punctuation/grammar?
I did not notice any awkward meter and the rhyme was very surprising! I actually liked the style that you used, something I had never seen before. The only problem I had, as someone else has critiqued, was the line “and Death’s expanse/ Except the dead” it kind of made me lose the rhythm I was reading with and as it has been said before it seems pretty redundant.
How did you like the turn? Too obvious?
I really liked the turn that you used. It was expected and obvious in a sense, but by being familiar with the myth there was not much you could really add towards the end that would still fit with the myth and be a surprise.
What about the last line? I originally had "I know this must be worth a backwards glance." Which do you prefer?
I absolutely loved the last line! It gave me the idea that “He is such a beautiful musician, why can’t Hades just let one look slide and let him have Eurydice.” I say with that idea in my head, keep with the line that you have written there. It’s very powerful.
Your opinions on the Eurydice presented here?
Eurydice is one of my favorite characters in all of Greek mythology, and very rarely do I see works from her point of view. Yes, Orpheus writing about her, or other narratives, but never Eurydice first-person works. What I loved about this Eurydice is that you made her very familiar with musical terms, many times Orpheus is just the knowledgeable one when it comes to music. I was pleasantly surprised.
How does this fit with Orpheus sonnet, if you care to read that one as well?
I really enjoyed the different perspectives that these sonnets presented. While Orpheus’ piece is simply of his trek through The Underworld and his sadness Eurydice actually claims how beautiful his music is and how it brought her back to life. While Orpheus curses the fact that he looked back, Eurydice criticizes the punishment—for why couldn’t that beautiful music provide just one little slip up?

This is an excellent poem! As soon as I read the title, I knew I had to click it and read it. And I was pleasantly surprised! This was so beautiful, and matched with the Orpheus piece, they can once again be brought together to form one of the most beautiful couples of Greek mythology! As a musician myself, I especially loved the musical terms you had incorporated within the work. You did an excellent job capturing this one moment from two different perspectives and two different emotions. I loved this. :star::star::star::star::star:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
10 out of 10 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconladyofgaerdon:
I love this. You've really brought her character to life and explained her motivations. I definitely prefer "Such music must be worth a backwards glance." It's the perfect ending. I quite enjoyed the turn. :)

I didn't notice any awkwardness - indeed, the flow is quite perfect, I think.

The Eurydice presented here is very much how I would picture her - sad, regretful, but still very much - alive can't be the right word, obviously, but she does feel dynamic.

I read the Orpheus sonnet first, and I like this one better. That's probably just because I relate better to Eurydice. Her voice is just so strong here. But I quite enjoyed the Orpheus sonnet as well, and I think they go wonderfully together. I'm glad you wrote both.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
11 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
Not much to say other than I love your spin on Eurydice; this myth has always been a favourite of mine but I've always found it harder to empathise with her than with Orpheus. Until this poem came along. Thank you for that.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you, I'm glad that you enjoyed it!
Reply
:iconakkajess:
akkajess Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013  Student Writer
Featured here: [link] :heart:
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013
:worship: Hello! This wonderful piece of yours has been featured here: [link]
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconpomohippie7:
pomohippie7 Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013   Writer
Your wonderful work has been showcased here: [link]
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconpomohippie7:
pomohippie7 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013   Writer
You're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconbebopboy:
Bebopboy Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
Masterful Sonnet great work.

SAVE STICKAM [link]
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconwarstub:
Warstub Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
Love it! Very impressed.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
Reply
:iconbluevelvetwings:
bluevelvetwings Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Definitely deserves a DD - Sonnets are my favorite type of poem, and while it's not Shakespearean in style, it is definitely worthy of the bard in execution. Although I agree with another commenter about "disappear" (perhaps "pass away" would be more metric, too bad it's so trite :P), I think it's very, very good ^^
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you--that's quite the compliment! And thanks for weighing in on possible changes! :)
Reply
:iconwhispersofdragons:
whispersofdragons Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
You are very talented. I couldn't write a sonnet to save my life!
:iconheheplz:
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks! I very much enjoy sonnets--they are a challenge, but fun!
Reply
:iconcraazhy:
Craazhy Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Professional Writer
I believe your technical execution was superior. And besides, most of the things that make nature beautiful are the flaws and unpredictability. Not that this necessarily has anything to do with "nature" but I believe it is the ultimate artistic standard, to any medium. To me, the essence of replicating perfection isn't in omitting flaws, but making them bare as if to say "this is what I am."

"Such music" seems more deliberate to me, in a good way.

I will answer the final question once I have read Orpheus, because I have an overwhelming suspicion that it contains a similar degree of astounding beauty.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for your comments! :)
Reply
:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013   Writer
Gorgeous. Congratulations on the DD!
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconthrilloon:
thrilloon Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
What a coincidence!
I was just reading about the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice yesterday for the first time!
Wonderful poem, by the way.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for the compliment!
Reply
:icondiemoviestars:
DIEmoviestars Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Stunning.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconalsdale:
Alsdale Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wow. I never read poetry on deviantART, but the first two lines caught my eye and stopped me in my tracks in the middle of a long work day. I don't know a thing about proper form, but I can read as well as anyone. The music in this is obvious. Thank you for sharing.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you--I'm glad that you enjoyed it, even if it's not usually your thing. I take that as a huge compliment!
Reply
:iconjackiestarsister:
JackieStarSister Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
This is fantastic! I love your language and the final line is perfect.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconsilenced-echo:
silenced-echo Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Such beautiful writing! Congrats on the well-deserved DD ! :)
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you, I'm very honored. :)
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :heart:
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :happybounce:
Reply
:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student Writer
Congratulations! :heart:
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! :) I'm extremely honored to get another DD--I couldn't believe it!
Reply
:iconasianone99:
AsianOne99 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's amazing. Whenever I try to do a poem/sonnet sort of like that it never turns out right.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks! And just keep trying--my first sonnets...well, there is a reason I have never posted them on dA. :)
Reply
:iconasianone99:
AsianOne99 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) I will.
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
:clap: :+favlove: I've yet to try to write a sonnet. This is truly exquisite.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you, and I hope this inspires you to try--I love sonnets.
Reply
:icontushantin:
tushantin Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Professional General Artist
The flow was perfect, save for the word "disappear" -- at least that's how it appears to me anyway. "Disappear" sounds more like a spondee amidst the last iambs throughout the sonnet, and stands out awkwardly. But don't take my word for it, because I could be wrong.

But beyond the flow, the only thing I'd say is that, though I loved it, it just wasn't as powerful as your "Orpheus" sonnet. It didn't move me as much as the previous one did, but that was probably because Orhpeus' narrative was from within the character, while Eurydice's narrative was observational. Even then, I still wonder why it didn't move me as much...
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks for your help--I will be sure to check those lines. :) Your comment contrasting the sonnets is very interesting as well. To me, this sonnet is a more reflective and calmer sonnet than "Orpheus." Perhaps that could have been the reason?
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012
Beautifully done, and I think the last line is perfect such like that. The words seem more solid that way. :love:
And I love poems about mythology. =)
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012
You're welcome! ^^
Reply
:iconfrancine1991:
Francine1991 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012   Writer
Wonderful. The meter is excellent and the piece gives off quite a sweet melancholy.

"Myself again--I heard it in the song:
A mordent on a note he held too long;"

These lines are my favourite.
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! I love the phrase "sweet melancholy"--I think that's just what I was going for. :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012   Writer
How many DLDs do you have now!? You're on the #WritersInk team and I see your username a lot.
(Even when on 'partial hiatus.') Glad to read your fine work as well. As they say, "Keep writing..." :D ... :+fav:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconwilliamszm: More from williamszm


Featured in Collections

Literature by GaleSpider

Literature by Silverclaw6

Literature by Sutathewolf


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
April 20, 2012
File Size
743 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
4,867
Favourites
214 (who?)
Comments
72
×