literature

Rising

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williamszm's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

Within the marble walls, we built
A city made of stone;
The pillars were our pillows and
The dome became our throne

As underneath the murals brushed
Into the ceiling-sky
We stood and sung our raging song
And raging rose our cry

'Till all the posters we had hung
Shook with some unseen breeze--
And I can hear still, if I would
Our echoing reprise.

We marched awhile 'neath the sun
But longer through the snow
Around we went, around we went—
Now wither will we go?

They ask me and I do not know
Though there must be somewhere
Not near as beautiful, I think
Nor with a snow-fall's glare

But maybe where our laden tracks
Can beat into the ground
And like an oft-repeated prayer
Our sound will e'er surround.

Within our marble hearts, we built
This stirring voice I hear
From fossils in the soaring steps
From sight fearless and clear

Though near a hundred years have past
Since stony eyes were bold
In life, as they are now entombed
Within their stony mold:

Not blank beneath their furrowed brows
Carved out with chisel strokes;
Not worn into a softer gaze
As wear the weathered oaks.

We marched awhile for untold goals
We could not then express—
They pressed against each sense with such
Disquieting distress

That set my fears into my hands
'Till they were shaking too
As my legs quaked within the storm
That we were wand'ring through--

The flakes of snow adorned our hair,
We were adorned with red;
But no-one followed in our wake
And no-one in our stead.

Within the marble world, we built
A city made of life
For we from cattle had become
The heroes of the strife

Oh follow, friends, oh follow us
Remember well our days!
And do not be content to sleep;
Do not remain to graze

The dying grass of withered fields
When there is so much more
And we have left undone all that
We once were fighting for.
Another ballad! I am getting kind of addicted to ballads. So if you haven't seen my journal ([link]) know that I am looking for some basic plot suggestions so I can write even more.

Anyway, I would like to know what people think of this, so here are a few questions:

I don't like the title. Any better ideas? Or is it fine?
Should the comma in the first line be there? (and in all repetitions thereafter)
Should the poem continue after the first 6 stanzas?
Is the ending too much a cliche?
Can anyone catch the allusion in here to another (very famous) poem?
Favorite line/image/stanza?
Do you like my ballads, or should I write something else for my next poem?

And, as always, any other suggestions/comments/critiques would be most helpful.

Thank you!

(for thewrittenrevolution: [link])
© 2011 - 2024 williamszm
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