literature

Lake and Forest

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williamszm's avatar
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Literature Text

I am not a daughter of the river
Nor am I a child of the ocean
I have learned to love the forests better—
Feel the green, and watch the branches quiver
Under squirrels, and all their frantic motion.
I have learned to love the lake's devotion—
See the vastness of the stars still shiver
From the ripples, wild and unfettered;

I have caught the stars within my fingers
Dreaming them as liquid as the mirror
Of their brightness, caught upon the waters;
I have learned that nothing ever lingers.

Lake, your shoreline overgrows with lilies
Draped across your surface, light and tilting
Towards the sands that they have long abandoned
For the lullabies of waves. What will be
When the rocking drops have stopped the lilting
Of that half-remembered song, and wilting
Sink within the stillness—waiting 'till he,
Who has been forgotten and long-stranded

In the sea, upon a lonely isle
Sails his wooden boat to fresher waters—
What will happen to those faithful flowers?
Will their love at last be proved worthwhile?

Woods, your flowers share their vast dominion
With a thousand others—fruits and berries,
Leaves and branches, moss and gentle mushrooms—
Riotous in shades and textures when sun
Pours itself upon them all, and tarries
Years and days, until the light it carries
Slips away. O everything has been one
Once before, and as the dark of night looms

Over moss and berries, leaves and branches--
Once again they blend into each other
Red to green, and dusky green to shadows
'Till the colors lose themselves and vanish.  

Once I wondered what path you had taken
Long ago, of which you'd often written
With such care, and such steadfast emotion.
Did you walk amongst the shadows shaken
From the starlight—or did sunshine thicken
Brilliant shades until you fell down, stricken
With the beauty of a world new-wakened?

Once I wondered at your deep devotion.
This was a hard meter for me to write in--hopefully it came off at least pretty well!
© 2012 - 2024 williamszm
Comments16
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WhisperedInsanity's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Vision: I really feel like you had awesome ideas for the poem. It feels like the narrator is in love with the lake and forest, and I think you intended for that. But I just love the idea behind it. However, you lost points with me because I feel like this piece rambles a bit, and at some points I'm not certain what the importance is behind a certain phrase.

Originality: This poem is definitely very original. When i read the title, I expected a love story comparing people to the lake and forest. However, your idea ended up being much better. I like that you talk about the realistic beauty, not the magical, surreal beauty of the two natural things.

Technique: I wasn't as fond of your technique because I found the lines and stanzas to be long, and hard to focus on. I would get caught on one idea, but then when I continued reading it felt like everything sort of blurred because the idea was never conclusively finished before another topic started. Also, sometimes I felt like the spacing between stanzas was in strange places, but that's a minor detail. I suggest perhaps making shorter lines-- even just double spacing the current lines would make it easier to read. However, as I said in the comments, I love your choice of vocabulary. It really makes it feel like you're there, seeing everything for yourself. The rhyming also adds to the flow of the piece.

Impact: Overall, your piece lost impact for me because of the rambling feel to the poem-- however that could be just because of the style you used. I really like your ideas and the originality of this piece, as well as the rhyming and vocabulary choices. Remember I was hard on you for this critique to help you improve, not to be mean. It was difficult to find fault in your writing. I hope it helps; your work is wonderful! <3