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Literature Text
Do not be afraid of slumber
Warm and kind as summer
Lasting like the day-light
Overwhelming like the thunder
Soft as lamb's-ear in the grasses
Or like apple branches
White and green and growing--
Lively as the clover dances
With the careful sun-spray flowers
Counting waning hours
Waiting for the night-time
When the cricket-chirp sounds louder
And the hazy air is cooler,
As the fading color
Leeches shades to greyish
Tones of dreary, rainy weather--
Soon the dark will be ascending
Day and day-light ended
Moons and starry smudges
Lofted high, aglow and shining.
Do not be afraid of slumber
Nor of gentle thunder;
You are someone who is
Growing warm and kind as summer.
Warm and kind as summer
Lasting like the day-light
Overwhelming like the thunder
Soft as lamb's-ear in the grasses
Or like apple branches
White and green and growing--
Lively as the clover dances
With the careful sun-spray flowers
Counting waning hours
Waiting for the night-time
When the cricket-chirp sounds louder
And the hazy air is cooler,
As the fading color
Leeches shades to greyish
Tones of dreary, rainy weather--
Soon the dark will be ascending
Day and day-light ended
Moons and starry smudges
Lofted high, aglow and shining.
Do not be afraid of slumber
Nor of gentle thunder;
You are someone who is
Growing warm and kind as summer.
Literature
In This Slant of Light
The willow trees cut such stark shadows against the fields to-night,
projections of their glorious souls so carelessly thrown
across wind-rattled thickets to slice through quiet branches
and squares of black mud. They drape over wooded sky
like some supplement to the darkness which crowns
late horizon.
How do you see the water lilies
hanging tendrils around cyclic dawn?
Their pale faces open slowly- lips of a wanting mouth, frost
of a blooming lake, petals of a growing
star--
the last bit of light which filters through
a closing guillotine.
These cold flowers are born
of rotten root, impregnated by the moon's
perfumes. Dying worlds shudder
Literature
Unbutton
I declared love dead.
There was a ceremony, and I did the obituary.
"Dear love. I told you so."
Then the burial of an empty gesture, broken
promises integrating with the earth.
I visited the grave, let my fingers run
along the unmarked stone. I would sit at the TV at night,
awash in a sea of detergent and other peoples' wives,
forgetting everything about this. One day I just woke up cold.
And it was fine.
I wrote my acceptance on the inside of my door.
Life is full as it is. Full of spoons and dirt and ways to slowly dig.
Full of reflections on what passes and what does not.
Curled up in itself, a wad of dirty bills. Life is
blu
Literature
Siren of Summer
I am the princess of the grass
when summer comes calling.
Naked toes curling deep
into the verdant blades of the land;
this is my kingdom.
My subjects are the bees and multicolored moths
of gold, cobalt and russet.
The gossiping birds soar into my court
bringing tales from afar
of love and death and life.
I make my bed among the sweet smelling wild flowers
and whisper my dreams
to the insects close by.
We watch the parade of clouds
as they sail through the sky.
I am content to be.
I am content in me.
I find the sun wishes to court me,
t
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This was fun to write, as it is (for once) not done in any iambic thing.
Some questions:
Is it too short?
Do the last two stanzas need a better transition between them?
Any meter issues?
And, of course, please share any other critiques/comments you might have!
(for wordsmiths guild: [link])
(for thewrittenrevolution: [link])
Some questions:
Is it too short?
Do the last two stanzas need a better transition between them?
Any meter issues?
And, of course, please share any other critiques/comments you might have!
(for wordsmiths guild: [link])
(for thewrittenrevolution: [link])
© 2011 - 2024 williamszm
Comments16
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactI will be critiquing this poem on behalf of
<img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/g/r/g…" alt="
" title="GrammarNaziCritiques"/>Firstly, thank you for placing some questions within your artist's comments. It makes it easier for a critic.
Now, the crit:
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Red"/> ST = Stanza<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Red"/> L = LineI will begin by answering your questions.
1. Is it too short?
- I would have to say yes. It ends quite abruptly, almost as if you ran out of words and decided to end the poem as quickly as possible. I would suggest that you add at least one more ST, possibly two depending on the story.
2. Do the last few stanzas need a better transition between them?
- Here I would have to say no. The transition is fine.
3. Any meter issues?
- I will deal with this ST by ST.
Now, onto the crit.
ST 1:
Rhyme scheme: aaba
Meter: 8, 6, 6, 8
- Here you begin with a nice rhyme scheme that should continue throughout the piece.
- Your meter here is fine, as it is within 2-syllables of each other.
ST 2:
Rhyme scheme: ccdc
Meter: 8, 6, 6, 8
- Your rhyme is constant, which is good.
- Again, your meter is fine. I like that you have kept it the same as ST 1.
ST 3:
Rhyme scheme: eef(e)
Meter: 8, 6, 6, 8
- Your rhyme goes a bit awry here, as the 'der' of 'louder' in L4 doesn't really rhyme with the 'ers' of 'flowers' and 'colours'.
- Your meter is constant.
ST 4:
Rhyme Scheme: (e)(e)g(e)
Meter: 8, 6, 6, 8
- Here you use a rhyme where the 'louder' of teh previous stanza would fit in nicely. I would consider changing the 'louder' because having it there messes up your nice scheme.
- Your meter is consistently constant.
ST 5:
Rhyme Scheme: hijh
Meter: 8, 6, 6, 8
- Here your rhyme goes awry again as the 'ded' of 'ended' in L2 doesn't rhyme fully with the 'ing' of 'ascending' and 'shining' (L1 & L4)
- Your meter is wonderfully on track.
ST 6:
Rhyme scheme: aaka
Meter: 8, 6, 6, 8
- Here you go back to your ST 1 rhyme, which is a nice way to end.
- Perfect meter.
Grammar:
I found no obvious grammar issues.
Punctuation:
Personally, I would add more punctuation to this piece. My reason being is that you have little to none and it makes it hard for me, as a reader, to know where you meant a line to stop or continue on or breathe.
Overall:
I really liked the theme of this poem.
J